Pointless Comedy
by NFMaredzenian
Summary: A stand-up comedy game-show where most of the cast members consist of the characters we know and love, the Dynasty Warriors. Rated T for some violence and foul language to come. Pilot episode is up.
1. Beginning Studio Dilemmas

Pointless Comedy** – **_A_** Dynasty Warriors **_equivalent of the show_** Whose Line Is It Anyway**

A/N: There isn't much update I can come up with when it comes to my current DMC fanfic, but there's more than college contributing to that. I've started playing Dynasty Warriors in early April, and my obsession has grown from then on. I'm using the playable cast of DW5 for this.  
Also note that this fanfic is _heavily alternate-universe_ and is made purely for the sake of justice – I mean, humor. There's my self-insert, and two prominent 'original' characters. Oh, and no language barriers either.

Beginning Studio Dilemmas

"Hurry up!" Nay urged Zhang Liao.  
"No!" he protested, withdrawing from her.

She gave up her pursuit. 'Who knew that the frightening Zhang Liao is camera-shy?' she wondered silently, going around the studio in search for the last person in the main cast group for this week.

"Can you provide me with a decent role for the show?" Lu Bu demanded of her.  
"We haven't found one for you yet," Nay replied.  
He was about to reach for her throat, but Diao Chan caught his hand first and twisted it.

Having narrowly escaped the impatient man who still thought she was a boy, Nay walked over to the dressing room for men. "Zhang He?" she called out.  
"I am not showing my now-ruined face!" he can be heard shouting from in there.  
"What happened?" She had lent him her never-used makeup just for tonight's show.  
"It was something your powders did to my beautiful face! Oh, the itching, the pain!"  
Nay took a step backwards. 'There goes another actor that's unavailable.' She should have known that facial beauty enhancers have expiry dates. She continued wandering aimlessly with a clipboard in one hand and her flute-case in another.

The studio is managed by formally-dressed twenty-eight year old Victor Ang, whose deadpan expression defied any association with comedy despite his passion in it. His brother Darren, younger by two years, is the head custodian who takes beatings for joking too much about things. They aspired to rule the world with comedy, but sub-national TV is as far as they get at the moment.

Nay is the guest staff in charge of things like music, audience-search and weekly casting. The Ang brothers were too busy to play the drums or guitar for song-related games, let alone become hosts of the show. She wished she didn't have to look far and wide for a hundred-strong audience, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Their first show with the Dynasty Warriors is about to begin tonight, and they had only begun preparations three days ago.  
Needless to say, somebody has evidently waited until the last minute for tasks to be accomplished.

Camera shyness isn't the only thing the guest staff has to deal with. There were sometimes fights in the list of performers, and at times they have such low self-esteem that they won't even go onstage.

"Xiahou Dun… can you bear going up on stage with Zhao Yun, Ling Tong and Cao Pi?" she asked the rugged man with the eye-patch.  
"Humph. Even if I do, I probably won't stand watching myself on the tape," he said bitterly.  
"Come on! I want there to be two people from Wei in this pilot episode!"  
He did his best to withstand her whining.

Victor appeared mysteriously behind her. "Why can't you just put a Wu girl or Shu guy on? You know they're dying to show their raw comedic skills," he pointed out.  
The Qiaos waved from their front seats in the audience. Guan Yu stroked his beard in anticipation.  
"I don't even know," Nay shrugged.  
"You can get a Wei-man to become the first episode's host, if you're so biased." Victor looked for someone worthy around the studio. "Shang Xiang, you're up!"  
"Make us proud," Sun Jian said to her daughter before she leaves for the stage.  
"Break a leg," Sun Ce told her.  
His brother Quan stared at him.  
"It means 'good luck' in an honest way. Now, if you really said 'good luck' with a sarcastic tone, that means you'll really want that person to break their leg," Ce explained.

Nay checked other things in the list that she is in charge of. For the past three days, Darren had been in charge of exposing the actors to the original show and the comedy scene here. While that has been taken care of, she couldn't find musicians for the show in such short notice, so she will serve as the temporary background musician.  
"Why can't _I_ be the musician?" Zhen Ji questioned.  
"Eh, she couldn't trust you to learn twenty songs by hearing in three days, and she has a history. If you want your place there, you'll have to sacrifice comedy-time," Victor explained.  
The woman crossed her arms. "It's not like I'll be picked as an actor often," she stated.  
"Then it's confirmed. You can play the background music in the next episode," the manager noted.

Things should all be set now.  
They have a professional camera crew to record the oncoming scenes.  
They have a flutist to suit their style for this show.  
They have all four actors, anxious and eager.

'… Uh oh…'  
She completely forgot about the host.  
Near the last minute, all sense of professionalism can be thrown down the drain. "Can any of you Wei-men be today's host?" she asked aloud.  
"Xiahou Dun and Zhang Liao cringe in fear of the camera," Pang De teased.  
"I'll do it, and I'll make a good job of it," Cao Cao volunteered.  
"Are you sure you won't take sides like I do?" Nay asked him.

He looked around for his immaculately-dressed strategist, and seeing that he is absent, he whispered to her: "Better me than Sima Yi. D'you know what dirty things that guy would be up to?"  
Nay nodded. "You know how the host starts the show, right?"  
"Oh, I've run through that a lot of times. It shouldn't be a problem for me."

"Well, it is a problem for _me_," Ma Chao said, appearing mysteriously behind her. "I thought the Shu-side had been behaving their best toward the lodging managers. What justice is there when these arrogant fools get camera-time they don't earn?"  
"Everybody, the camera's going to roll in thirty seconds. Go take your places," Darren announced, holding a rubber chicken like a strategist's fan.  
"Next episode," Nay just told Ma Chao.

Cao Cao took his place in the audience among fellow Wei-farers and miscellaneous, neutral outsiders. He was wise to stand here; there is a chance some woman from the other three sides would violate him.

Zhao Yun looked around the studio before the show starts.  
Sun Shang Xiang did pretty much the same, though she limits her vision to other Wu-men and women.  
Ling Tong tried to ignore Gan Ning making funny faces in the audience in hopes that he would see him. He had to focus his attention on the camera, or Shang Xiang.  
Cao Pi looked expectantly at his father, hoping he would do something terrible to Zhao Yun.

The musician took out her Western flute and tuned it.

The materials for the games are prepared, as is Cao Cao with his cards.  
"And… Action!"

* * *

Next: Pilot episode.


	2. Pilot

Pointless Comedy** – **_A_** Dynasty Warriors **_equivalent of the show_** Whose Line Is It Anyway**

A/N: I know, I uploaded the first one a few hours ago and we have this now.  
This fanfic is _heavily alternate-universe_ and is made purely for the sake of justice – I mean humor. There's my self-insert, and two prominent 'original' characters. There are no language barriers. Sides of the stage will be based on audience's point of view.

Pilot

"Hello, and welcome to Pointless Comedy!" Cao Cao announced amidst a cheering audience. "On tonight's show, we have:  
The Dragon of Chang Shan, **Zhao Yun**!  
Young tigress, **Sun Shang Xiang**!  
Wu's most eligible bachelor, **Ling Tong**!  
And a successor to the rule of Wei, **Cao Pi**!  
Welcome to Pointless Comedy, everyone, and I'm your host for tonight, **Cao Cao**."

The audience still clapped as he makes his way to his table. Those among them that noticed the background music thought that it sounded like the intro to Critical Acclaim.

"Hello and this is the first episode of the show we remake from what are probably discontinued examples from the West. This is a game-show where everything is made up and the points don't matter, which means you could probably kill somebody onstage without having to deal with the authorities – but I'm not suggesting that anyone should do _that_," he commented.  
Those in the audience used to killing people are the ones who laughed.

"Anyway, on to our first game: **Questions Only**. This is for all four of you."  
The audience applauded on cue. Zhao Yun and Ling Tong moved to one side while Sun Shang Xiang and Cao Pi went to the opposite.  
"Now, the rule of this game is to act according to a scene with the dialogue consisting only of questions. The scene is: Zhao Yun plays a perverted preschool teacher who becomes the substitute teacher for Sun Shang Xiang's class. Shang Xiang plays the innocent fourteen-year-old student who slowly realizes that the teacher, Zhao Yun, is trying to make a move on her. You're only allowed to use questions, or you'll be buzzer'ed and the other person on your side will have to replace you. Take it away, whenever you're ready." Cao Cao rearranged his cards.

Zhao Yun looked awkward as he turns to Sun Shang Xiang on the main section of the stage.

SSX: Are you the substitute teacher?  
ZY: Do you have any homework I was supposed to check?  
SSX: Can you help me with this irritating subject they call 'Algebra'?  
ZY: I don't know; is there anything easier I can help you with? Something that doesn't involve replacing numbers with letters?  
SSX: What _can_ you help me with?

Unable to contain his laughter, Zhao Yun didn't answer. The buzzer sounded, and he has to switch places with Ling Tong.

LT: Aren't you dressing a bit too nicely for a fourteen-year-old?  
SSX: I thought we students wear uniforms?  
LT: You mean your uniforms don't look pretty on you?  
SSX: Name _one_ uniform that looks good –

The buzzer marked for her to switch places with Cao Pi.

LT: Are you wearing the right socks?  
CP: Why do you even bother?  
LT: I'm sorry, are you offended?  
CP: D'you think?  
_[Camera zooms on a Cao Cao trying to keep his giggles silent, then snaps back to the two]  
_CP: Aren't you a bit too young to teach my class?  
LT: Am I supposed to be older?  
CP: What year are you born in?

Ling Tong gave up and let Zhao Yun take center stage.

ZY: D'you want to go out for lunch sometime?  
CP: Are we allowed to do that?  
ZY: You do realize I'm just a substitute teacher, don't you?  
CP: Mister, are you trying to go out with me?  
ZY: … Maybe?  
CP: If I report this misconduct to the authorities, are you going to stop me?  
ZY: It depends; can I stop you before you reach the door?  
_[Cao Pi looks horrified]_

At this moment Cao Cao sounded the buzzer repeatedly, marking the end of the game. When the camera zoomed out, Ling Tong was shaking his head while Sun Shang Xiang came close to doubling over from laughing. They knew they were supposed to return to their respective seats, though, and so they did.  
"That's a thousand points to each and every one of you, plus five hundred to Cao Pi for making him act like a schoolgirl," the host announced.  
"For a moment there, Zhao Yun sounded too real for comfort," his son added, taking a sip of the glass of water set on the table to his right.

The audience clapped, especially the youngsters. Zhang Liao, sitting somewhere far and high in the audience seats, clapped warily, wondering what would have happened if he were to have gone onstage instead.

"Now, this next game is called **Party Quirks**, and again, this is for all four of you. What you'll have to do here is: Sun Shang Xiang is the hostess of a party, and she can expect weird guests dropping by. The three guys, Zhao Yun, Ling Tong and Cao Pi will read out cards they've never seen before, and those cards describe the quirks that Shang Xiang will have to guess. The game will start with the doorbell; take it away when you're ready."

While Shang Xiang stood facing the left side of the stage pretending to check her hair in the mirror, one of the three men on the right side took the liberty to check another part of her body. One waited patiently while the other tried not to look anywhere.

Then the doorbell rang.

"Oh, I'd better get that," Shang Xiang exclaimed, rushing to the imaginary door. She opened it, and Yun is the first to step in.  
On a screen that the actors can't see, these words were seen near the bottom of it:  
**Ma Chao on sugar high, pointing out the brilliance of every fashion item he can see.  
**Someone in the audience looked indignant at the on-screen text even after it faded.

"Hi!" Yun greeted, jumping on the spot excitedly.  
"Yes, come in, welcome to the part –"  
"Ooh, I _love_ your headband, it makes you look so vibrant, and energetic, and lively! Lady Justice must be smiling on me today!"  
The camera zoomed in briefly on Cao Pi's shocked expression, then cut to Cao Cao smiling evilly.  
"Thank you, enthusiastic party-goer. Now have a seat while I wait for the others to arrive," Shang Xiang told Yun.

The doorbell rang again.

Ling Tong is next with the text, low in the screen, saying: **Sun Jian, Liu Bei and Cao Cao combined**.  
"Hello, come on in," Shang Xiang greeted.  
Tong sighed and tilted his head to one side, his face looking dreamy. "Hello, lovely."  
Somewhere in the audience, someone's face is reddening. Another person narrowed his eyes in suspicion. Two sons glanced at their father.  
"It's been a while since we've last –" at this point he raised his voice to say "– conquered the land! Damn whoever that opposes me!"  
He realized that Shang Xiang had backed off when he started yelling. "I'm sorry, darling, I'm used to giving the orders around here." Tong took a gentler tone and stepped 'inside'.

Yun approached him. "Ooh, your outfit suits the purpose of justice!" he said in a high-pitched voice.  
Tong adjusted his voice according to the tone of those he tried to imitate. "Yes. Virtue shall lead us in our quest to expand our territory from Jiang Dong."  
"It's so nice that we're all getting to know each other," Shang Xiang remarked.  
"I thought you've known me all your life," Tong responded.

Cao Cao turned to the camera and shook his head, grinning.

There is the final ring of the doorbell.

"I'll get it."  
At the 'door', Cao Pi stood arrogantly, cradling something invisible in his left hand. His description text read: **Sima Yi looking for someone's head to replace Zhang Jiao's skull for him to re-enact a scene from Hamlet.**  
Somewhere in the audience, someone gulped. Someone else chuckled behind his joined fingertips.

"Good _eve_ning…" Pi spoke in a low, almost whispering voice. His eyes darted from one corner of the studio to another.  
"You're here for the party, right?" Shang Xiang asked doubtfully.  
"In_deed_," he replied, rubbing the top of the imaginary skull with a finger as if to drill a hole in it.  
She made way for him to enter the 'house'.

"Say, is that a purse?" Yun asked Pi when the three party guests are gathered in one spot.  
"It's the skull of a dumbass," Pi answered.  
Tong gasped. "Is it still alive?"  
"No, but I can make it talk nonsense." One hand held the skull's main part while the other held the jaw. "_Heavens, grant me wind so that the people of this stupidly hot country will know less pain and less rain!_"  
Most people in the audience laughed at that impression. One did not, however.  
Pi then placed the skull on an equally imaginary table. "I have to let this go, though. I need something smaller, more portable." He looked at Shang Xiang.  
"You are not getting my sweet kitty's head without getting past me," Tong said to him.  
"And if you were to claim _my_ head, you must first face the wrath of my bright pink spear of justice!"

It was time for Shang Xiang to guess who her party guests are.

"Girly Ma Chao," she said, pointing at Yun.  
Cao Cao sounded the buzzer to mark that she got part of it right. "Actually, Zhao Yun acted as **Ma Chao on sugar high, pointing out the brilliance of every fashion item he can see**."  
When the only Shu-man on stage returned to his seat beyond the acting area, he tried to ignore the feeling that someone was glaring daggers at him from the audience. He focused his attention on the remaining party guests.

"And you would be Liu Bei, my dad or an evil, combined version of both of them," Shang Xiang pointed at Tong.  
The buzzer sounded again. The other performer from Wu grinned and returned to his seat. "He's both Liu Bei and Sun Jian, and me," Cao Cao pointed out. "I know I'm evil, but I didn't realize I resemble them."

The hostess has one guest left to guess. "You're someone scary holding Zhang Jiao's skull, and you need a replacement skull because his was too big."  
Cao Cao says at this point: "The description says: **Sima Yi looking for someone's head to replace Zhang Jiao's skull for him to re-enact a scene from Hamlet**."  
His son remarked: "I've never heard about this _Hamlet_ before," and returned to his seat. The only girl among them followed soon after.

"Alright, everyone, we'll be back soon. Don't go away!" Cao Cao said to the camera.

* * *

Commercial break

* * *

"Hello and welcome back to Pointless Comedy, the game-show where everything is made up and the points don't matter. That's right; they matter as much as justice to Xu Zhu and toys to the Huangs. Hey, pick one: Huang Gai or Huang Zhong."  
"Yeah, they're both sensitive about their age," Ling Tong remarked from his location on the stage.  
Some members of the audience still laughed.  
"I just said that aloud, didn't I?" he wondered.  
"Yes, you did," Sun Shang Xiang told him.  
"Well, then I can expect ass-kicking from them later," he lamented.

Cao Cao chuckled. "Alright, moving on to our next game: **If You Know What I Mean**."  
There are loud claps all over the audience area. He continued: "This is for Zhao Yun, Ling Tong and Cao Pi. For this game, the players are supposed to talk in innuendos. They'll act out the given scene and add at the end of the sentence _'If you know what I mean'_, hence the name of the game. Now –" he chuckled when the audience began to laugh "– the scene is: our three gentlemen are blacksmith apprentices who shared a smithy for a day. The blacksmiths of Wu, Wei and Shu – take it away."

_[Scene begins with Zhao Yun miming a hammering motion onto an anvil. Cao Pi enters the vicinity with a sigh.]  
_CP: I've been losing my grip on my hammer, if you know what I mean.  
ZY: That's… sad.  
_[Zhao Yun almost laughs]  
_CP: Yeah, and on top of that, the ovens are losing their heat in this season, if you know what I mean.  
ZY: My tools are still in tip-top condition, if you know what I mean.

_[Enter Ling Tong.]  
_LT: You should have a look at the new gloves, if you know what I mean.  
_[Ling Tong is unable to keep a straight face]  
_ZY: I hope they don't wear out easily, if you know what I mean.  
CP: I don't usually wear them when I work, if you know what I mean.  
_[Pause. Laughter in the audience is loud and clear.]_  
LT: Then I guess you get what you deserve, if you know what I mean.  
CP: At least in my good old days, I worked hard, if you know what I mean.

If the camera pointed in Zhen Ji's direction, everyone would've seen how hard she tried to contain her laughter and keep looking dignified.

ZY: I've got to pack my stuff, if you know what I mean.  
CP: I take it you're going home, if you know what I mean?  
LT: I'm leaving, too. I've gotta buy the gloves, you know.  
ZY: Yeah, good luck with that.

Cao Cao sounded the buzzer three times, marking the end of the game. The camera zoomed toward him to show the viewers at home that he was covering his face as he does that.  
The three returned to their respective seats.  
"Gloves…" Sun Shang Xiang said to Ling Tong, laughing.  
"If I get to stay as host next week, I'd keep this game," Cao Cao commented.  
There were cheers from even the Wu and Shu side, though the Wei part of the audience stayed loudest.

"Alright, what we're going to do now is tally the made-up points. I did say the points don't matter at the beginning of the show and after the commercial, but there are times when you need them, such as in our next game. But I'm not going to let you wait around for nothing; here's Nay the Fish – um, Flutist. I intended that."  
The camera's screen showed Nay nodding and smiling wryly.

While she played the four-minute-long song, a few members of the audience paid attention to the four actors and one host going backstage. Near the end of this non-commercial break, Cao Cao went to stand with Cao Pi to the left while Zhao Yun and Sun Shang Xiang are on the right side, not far from the music side of the stage.  
After the final note is played, she held the flute with her left hand and pointed her right hand to the cast members, announcing: "Back to you, Cao Cao."

The screen's vision returned to the stage and the host's table.  
"Well, that's Western flute played by Nay the Fish. For a dose of Eastern flute-playing, be sure to tune in next week. But for now, we're back with tonight's winner on Pointless Comedy, **Ling Tong**!"  
Sitting at the table, he swung in his revolving chair to wave at the audience behind him. He is in charge of the buzzer now.

"Now we're going to play a game called **Props**, which is for the rest of us here," Cao Cao said. "What we have here are props that we use just for the purpose of the show, and we make up a scene with these props."  
He took a pair of what looked like cheap versions of strategist's fans from his side of the stage while Zhao Yun and Sun Shang Xiang accepted the given foam scimitars on the right.  
Someone next to Zhang Liao in the audience realized how much those mock weapons looked like one of his own.  
"We'll start with the first buzzer. Ling Tong gets to decide who's going to start first," the host stated.  
Someone from behind Ling Tong threw a coin onto the table. He ignored the murder attempt and flipped it to decide which pair will kick-start the game.  
"The kids with the swords."

_[SSX crosses the foam scimitars together to make them look like scissors]_  
SSX: I'm not going to tell you what I'm using this for in case you'll freak out.

_[Buzz]_

_[CC and CP wield the fans like lightsabers, re-enacting a famous sci-fi scene]_  
CC: I am your father!  
CP: Noooooo!

_[Buzz]_

_[ZY uses the swords as crutches]_  
ZY: You may not believe this, but I was once the most popular member of the Yuan family.

_[Buzz]_

_[CP flaps fans as if they are wings]_  
CC: I didn't know Red Hare and Pegasus were related.

_[Buzz]_

_[ZY holds the hilts of the scimitars on his head]_  
SSX: It's Lu… Lu Bu! Eeek!

Somewhere in the audience, someone has to be restrained by Wei Yan and Zhou Tai.

_[Inevitable buzz]_

_[CC and CP cover their faces from the audience with the fans while standing next to each other]_  
CP: D'you think they'll see us?  
CC: Fat chance. They'll see Zhou Yu and Sun Ce first.

_[Repeated buzz signaling the end of the game]_

While the camera goes to Ling Tong at the table, the four on the stage passed their props to the backstage hands. After that, the screen showed the audience to hide the transition where Cao Cao returns to the host's table and Ling Tong goes back to the stage.  
"That's all, folks; it's party time. Thank you, good night!" Cao Cao greeted illustriously.

Members of the audience are allowed to go onstage while the credits roll.  
Zhen Ji started a flute duel with the fish while her lover cheered her on.  
Ma Chao confronted Zhao Yun. "That's what the card said! I didn't write it there!" he explained. Yuan Shao also left his front-row audience seat to give this Dragon of Chang Shan a piece of his mind.  
Sun Jian approached his daughter with a 'you got some explaining to do' look.  
Gan Ning followed Huang Gai to meet up with Ling Tong. "Old?" "I said 'sensitive about their ages'!" "But you _meant_ it, didn't you?" "Uh… Ning, help me out here." "Fine, but only if…"

* * *

Alright, I'm not good at getting Cao Cao to present the show. I mean, I can get into detail with the participating characters, but not the host.  
And I got tired while writing the last part. There's a chance I'll leave it as it is, unless you want me to write the next episode where a Shu-man will be the host and Zhen Ji plays the flute instead of me.  
Yeah, it's hot as hell in Malaysia.


End file.
